“I’m Sorry…”
Finish this sentence, “You might be a redneck if…” I am sure you can picture the comedian, who for decades shared his famous one liners. Each hilarious delivery brought to mind someone or groups of people in our lives who shared the traits being revealed.
In our version of “You might be…”, I want you to think through these few statements. Can you relate? Or does someone in your life come to mind?
You might be overly apologetic if…
You walk through a department store, run into something, apologize, realize it’s a mannequin and apologize again.
You begin conversations with, “I’m sorry to bother you, but”…
After working all night on a project, you send an email to your boss and the opening line reads: “I’m sorry, this is probably not what you are looking for and I am happy to make adjustments.”
You accept a wrong food order without saying a word, or you say something like, “It’s fine, I must have read the menu incorrectly.”
You apologize for something out of your control and someone tells you to stop apologizing, so you say, “I’m, sorry.”
I don’t know when this negative pattern began in my life. Have I always been this way? Was I still navigating a trauma response?
Why did every conversation have me exclaiming an apology for my mere existence?
I began to recognize that as my illness slowly robbed fractions of independence, interactions with nearly everyone around me consisted of those two little words, “I’m sorry.”
I carried the burden of being an imposition to anyone who dared offer assistance. No matter how many times I was encouraged to stop; I couldn’t seem to comprehend that my reality, was not hindering my loved ones ability to maintain their autonomy.
At its worst, I express regret for things in which I carry absolutely no control, such as passing out or exhibiting emotion when I am in pain. I would rather stubbornly struggle to the point of putting myself in danger, than to inconvenience anyone.
During a recent heated conversation with Ryan... (because all couples have them) the Lord convicted me regarding this habit I had developed. The following day, I poured over my Bible and anything that would help me identify a solution to correct this troubling behavior.
I was clearly aware of my people-pleasing and perfectionist tendencies. But now, combined with having to depend on others to provide aide with ordinary tasks… WOAH, I seriously needed to redirect my thoughts and be reminded that I wasn’t alone in this struggle.
Thankfully, the Lord was faithful and my study of the scripture was fruitful. Within the pages I was reminded that the Lord is my singular source of comfort, rest, and guidance.
Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken. Psalm 55:22, NASB
“Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
Matthew 11:28, NASB
Other resources added clarity, identifying warriors, like me, who expressed similar feelings of being a burden. People who rely solely on family and friends for their well-being, struggling for a way to communicate.
Now, armed with the understanding that I was not alone in the fight, I needed to accomplish two things:
Capture my Thoughts
Adapt my Behavior
All before chasing my caregivers away with my annoying new coping mechanism. 🤦🏻♀️
Enter the Thankfulness Project...
I began making a conscious effort to reframe my apologies when someone gave assistance. For example, when people offered transportation, my standard dialogue would include...
“I am so sorry I messed up your day and you had to drive all the way out here to get me for this appointment.”
I now replace it with gratitude by saying, “Thank you, for taking time out of your schedule to take me to this appointment. Or, I really appreciate you driving me today, it means a lot.”
This simple adjustment in my thinking and vocabulary goes from being a burden, to being appreciative for this individual’s love and care.
My family proves to be a continuous source of encouragement as I grow in this area. They recognize that I am striving to make adjustments and work to not call me out when I have a rough day and my overly apologetic nature returns.
I am most certainly a work in progress and like any new habit, it will require time to establish more permanent results. I am encouraged to see the changes that are developing within by reframing my apologies into gratitude.
This new pattern of behavior encourages me to be cognizant of my exaggerated response in situations beyond my control. As each encounter unfolds, quick adjustments to my verbiage can be made to reflect overwhelming appreciation.
How about you, did you identify with any of the statements above? Is this an area with which you struggle?
Perhaps you will join me as we engage in the thankfulness project. Begin first by reframing your thinking and allow the behavioral patterns to follow.
Lord, thank you for loving us and giving us the strength to endure. Remind us that the load is lighter when we share it with those who love us the most. Thank you, Lord, for placing people in our paths who desire to walk this journey, together. Help us to share our gratitude for their assistance, not from a place of apology, but rather from a thankful heart.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
