One in Eight
“He said multiply, I want to fill the earth with a lot more people like you…”
The lyric from the song, God Likes People, one I learned as a young girl, echoed on repeat in my mind, as we tread the rugged path.
A journey that many couples encounter but few discuss openly.
Infertility and miscarriage is an experience filled with longing, hope, and heartbreak with a little bitterness, anger, and shame thrown in the mix.
It creates a heightened state of tension within the home, potentially dividing even the closest couples.
I felt it was my duty, a desire of my heart to be a mother. I mean God did grant me a voice to sing sweet lullabies as I rocked my little ones to sleep.
It was an honorable dream, a way I could use my gifts to please the Lord…
Right?
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the plan God mapped out for my beloved and me.
While I can say it was my most difficult season thus far, the Lord used the trial to craft within me a spirit of resilience I may have otherwise missed.
Unlike some, eventually, our marriage was strengthened as we vowed to create a “new normal” within our home.
Once we decided to share the gruesome details of our story, we were met with varied reactions.
The most vocal, came from individuals who have never known this struggle.
This week is designed to bring awareness to the one in eight who face infertility.
My hope is to bring a tiny piece of insight to the precious readers who genuinely want to bless those around them who are currently walking this path.
I pray that you understand that by sharing this portion of our story, I do not intend to embarrass or shame those who offered comments.
I recognize, now, most were spoken from a place of love. However, some inflicted unnecessary pain in an already excruciating existence.
While forgiveness has long since covered the hurt we endured, our ability to forget is a different story.
Therefore, I aim to guard others from experiencing additional angst in the midst of their turmoil.
Having come through on the other side, I now seek to encourage those traveling this isolating journey.
May you find comfort in knowing you are NEVER alone.
I have compiled a list of phrases and words spoken to us and to others in our sphere, in an attempt to inform and educate.
Damaging remarks include:
Just relax and have faith, everything will happen in God’s time.
You can always adopt, do IVF, or why don’t you freeze your eggs…
If I had known you wanted kids, I would have given you mine for a day. That will change your mind.
Whose fault is it, yours or his?
Who will take care of you when you're older?
It’s a good thing you miscarried, there was probably something wrong with the baby.
Because you kept your journey private, you have no idea how finding out now, affects me.
Mark my words, once you lose all that weight, you’ll get pregnant.
It could be worse, you could have cancer.
Don’t worry… I am certain it will happen for you.
Trust me, any couple in the pit of their darkest days are not in the frame of mind to receive these types of comments as encouragement.
They exhibit faith by simply getting out of bed each day, trust that there is an end to the pain, and hope that someday their prayers will be answered favorably.
Now that you know what to avoid, I hope to offer an alternative.
Support Includes:
Let them know that you care. Words like, “I’m sorry you have to endure this,” go a long way in demonstrating compassion.
If they choose to open up, Listen!
Because this is a taboo subject, many couples choose to navigate it privately. When they feel comfortable talking about it, it’s ok to say nothing and simply provide a listening ear.
“Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.”
Romans 12:15, NLT
3. Understand that, most infertile couples are not upset about the life others have been blessed to walk.
They want to share in your happiness. But please know that what they need most while walking through their journey is sensitivity, patience, and compassion.
4. If perhaps you become pregnant while they are struggling… when possible, shoot them a text or tell them privately. This allows time to process, without prying eyes.
Remember, they are excited for you. They are just navigating emotions because their time has not yet arrived.
5. Don't be offended if they bow out of baby showers.
Countless times during our journey, my people-pleasing nature took control and I forced myself to attend… only to spend the next few weeks crying myself to sleep.
6. Provide extra outreach to the man of the house. Because men are taught to squelch emotions, they are often overlooked along the journey.
They are hurting!
They need just as much, if not more patience, understanding, and support as they lead their family through this process.
7. Support the couples in their decision to stop treatment. Not every story has a desirable outcome. While it may differ from what you would choose. Please respect the decision to do what they believe is best for their family.
8. Remember them on Mother's and Father's Day. These days are often met with anxiety and dread. If they choose not to participate in church services or family events, understand that their grief is simply love persevering.
This is certainly not designed to be an exhaustive list of information but a jumping off point to begin the conversation.
I encourage you, dear reader, to do your research and when all else fails, think before you speak and choose to be an extension of Jesus’ love.
